


side effects

by watergator



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-07
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2020-01-06 07:32:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18383849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/watergator/pseuds/watergator
Summary: dan's new medication has some side effects





	side effects

He can’t stop sweating. Even just sat in the nice cool gaming room, simply sat still in his chair whilst he edits over his new video, he can feel sweat begin to arise from every inch of his skin, even his palms where they rest loosely against the keyboard of the computer.

He wipes his brow with the back of his arm, only to pull away and find damp moisture there; a mixture of sweat and grease that had only been building up in the last five minutes of being here.

He swallows, mouth feeling dry like thick sand and smacks his lips together to maybe relieve some of the discomfort.

Dan sighs, exiting out of the editing software and giving up. When he stands from his chair, he feels the dampness from under his jeans where his thighs burn hot, itching underneath the material.

It’s the new drug, he reminds himself as he exits the room and heads towards the kitchen where his body craves cold water.

He’s been put onto a new antidepressant: citalopram is what the name reads on the little yellow box. It sits on his bedside table, ready for each pill to be popped out of the packet and into his mouth where they can hopefully work their magic.

It’s only the first few steps of recovery for Dan. He’s learning how to take better care of himself, slowly warming up to the idea that it’s okay to ask for help. And after all these years of doing it alone, he feels kind of foolish for never thinking about these options earlier, now that they’ve been tested and tried.

He goes to the kitchen where he finds Phil making himself a coffee, turning to face him when he hears him walk through the glass door.

“Editing going well?” He asks as he clicks his spoon against the cup, setting it down with a clatter and a puddle of watery coffee left in its wake.

Dan squeezes his eyes shut, feeling a headache blossom between his eyes.

“Not really. Not feeling so great,” he tells him, almost cringing at the sound of his raspy voice.

Once he’s poured himself a water, he gulps it down, letting some of it trickle down his skin where it feels rather soothing for a second.

He looks to Phil, who’s giving him a concerned look.

“You okay?” Phil asks gently and Dan pours another glass, downing it all again.

“Yeah,” he says in a breath. “Just these bloody side effects.”

The pill seems to work. It’s no cure, rather just a crutch; something to hold his brain up and support it when it’s going downhill.

“Do you think we should talk to the doctor?” Phil asks, setting his coffee down on the counter and crossing his arms over his chest in a way Dan recognises as a little bit of anxiety seeping into him.

Dan smiles weakly at him. “Phil, I’m fine. The leaflet said to only call for the emergency effects,” he assured him.

They’d spent the day reading through the leaflet that came folded nicely inside the box, and once Phil’s eyes had landed on side effects, he’d made is quite clear that it wasn’t something to take lightly, and Dan had to be one hundred percent honest with him with these kinds of things.

Life of death kind of situation, apparently.

Phil picks up his coffee again, slurping it sip by sip before he pulls it away with the lick of his lips and a crease in his brow that screams concern.

“Really Phil, a little bit of sweat under my armpits and a dry mouth isn’t going to kill me,” Dan chuckles, turning to fill his glass up a third time.

Phil only sighs and shrugs his shoulders in small defeat. “Okay,” he mutters, “but if you pass out or start peeing blood, I’m taking you to A&E with no questions asked.”

Dan snorts into his glass, already feeling slightly better. “Okay mum.”

*

Dan doesn’t pass out, or pee blood, but he does feel the smaller less dangerous side effects that change within him.

He’s wide awake, a bad case of insomnia plaguing him like never before. He’s had experience in spending many nights awake thanks to the constant buzzing of his loud brain at times.

But this time his brain is tired, he’s had a long day of trying to edit his video, eyes sore from staring at his screen all day, and all he wants to do is close his eyes and let himself sink into the comfort of unconsciousness, but he’s been laying here, tossing and turning with each ruffle of the covers trying to keep quiet for the sake of Phil sleeping soundly beside him.

But it seems his efforts are inutile when he hears the person beside him wake with a groan, making Dan roll onto his back with a frustrated groan.

“Hey,” Phil’s raspy voice cuts through the silence. “Thinking too loud?”

Dan lets out a deep sigh, turning to his side to face Phil. Here in the dark he can just make out the familiar shapes of his face.

“Kind of. Can’t sleep.”

Phil reaches out and touches his thumb against his cheek where it grazes softly against his skin.

“Is it the meds?” He asks softly. It’s no accusation.

Dan hums, “I think so.”

Phil shuffles forwards, knees bumping slightly. “Is there anything I can do to help?” He asks, a tone of sincerity in his voice.

Dan hums, pressing himself closer, “Just cuddles,” he whispers pressing his head to Phil’s chest, the hair there tickles against his cheek.

Phil doesn’t argue and instead pulls Dan in, giving him a warm squeeze.

“I’ll be here,” Phil assures him, lips pressed into his curls where he gives him a kiss. “Try and get some sleep, okay?”

*

“It’s no use,” Dan says breathlessly flopping back into his bed, grimacing at the feeling the dampness that lies between the skin of his naked back and the mattress.

Phil gives a tired huff, flopping forward onto Dan with a groan, pressing his lips into a warm kiss against his collarbone.

“Phil. You’re crushing me,” Dan says weakly, and with that Phil rolls off of him where they lay shoulder to shoulder.

“Sorry,” he says in a breath. “You okay?”

Dan looks at him with the turn of his head, feeling the burn of tears behind his eyes.

“Other than the fact that I can’t even have sex with my boyfriend? Brilliant.”

He’s feeling frustrated, in more than one way. It’s been a week since he was able to get any relief, and right now, thanks to the chemicals that churn inside him, he’s not even been able to push himself far enough just to enjoy some lazy afternoon sex with his boyfriend.

It’s pissing him off to another degree.

“Dan,” Phil says softly, and leans forward to press his lips against his bare shoulder, probably where it tastes like salt from the buckets of sweat his body is still producing second after second.

“Sorry,” Dan croaks, wiping the moisture from his eyes with a knuckle. He pulls the covers up over his useless naked waist, feeling a shiver against his skin. He feels foolish.

“Hey,” Phil gives him a look of worry, reaching out to trace gentle fingertips against his arm. “It’s okay. We can try again later,” he says trying to offer some sort of comfort.

Right now, laying flat on his back isn’t really helping, making him feel crushed and suffocated, so he sits up, dragging the covers up with him where Phil follows him.

“I’m sorry. It’s not fair on you,” Dan whispers, feeling more tears brew behind his eyes as he looks down, away from Phil’s gaze.

There’s silence for a moment before he feels Phil’s hand on his shoulder, looking up to meet his eyes when he gives him a squeeze.

“I don’t care about sex,” he tells him. “I don’t care about me. This is about you, Dan.”

Heat prickles under his skin. Even knowing Phil as well and as long as he has; even knowing everything about this man, and him knowing everything about him, he still feels a sense of vulnerability at times, even after all this time.

“It’s not,” Dan mumbles under his breath, looking away when Phil grabs his shoulder again, not letting go.

“It is. It’s about you getting better,” he says, a seriousness that isn’t as familiar in his voice.

“If you feel like these meds aren’t working for you, we’ll go back to the doctor. Tell them the side effects aren’t making you feel good.”

Dan swallows thickly. The constant sweat under his arms, the dry mouth, the tiredness that drags him down all day and then keeps him up all night - on top of the premise of not being able to keep up with something as simple as normal sex, is a tad annoying.

He lets out a huff of air. It is all worth it for the sake of a little extra serotonin?

“Do you think the meds are making me better?” Dan finds himself asking rather meekly.

He looks up through his lashes where Phil is looking at him with a rather intense look, like he’s thinking.

“I think,” he starts before he pauses, looking down. “I think  _ you’re _ making yourself better.”

Dan blinks at him, unsure of what he really means at first. It doesn’t make sense.

Surely the medication has helped him, hasn’t it? Had it not been for those little white pills each morning, he might have just plunged deeper and deeper until he was unreachable.

But before he can say anything, Phil is opening his mouth again.

“They’re not a cure, Dan. They’re supposed to help you.”

Dan blinks; he knows this. He’s always been aware of that.

“And I think if these things are getting you down, then I think you should do what you need to make you feel better.”

Dan sniffs. Maybe Phil’s right.

Of course Phil’s right. He always has the tendency to say the right thing.

“The doctor said something about other doses,” Phil assures him with a bit more enthusiasm. “And if that doesn’t work, then we can just find another kind of drug that does.”

Dan looks at him, staring into those deep blue eyes that always manage to stand out in any kind of darkness, the physical or mental kind.

“Yeah,” he croaks. “Yeah, okay.”

Phil smiles at him, crushing him into a tight hug.

“I love you, okay?” Phil whispers, his breath tickles against his skin.

Dan hugs him back.

“Yeah,” he whispers back. “I know.”

**Author's Note:**

> come say hi on tumblr !! @watergator


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